just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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