yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
