I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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