omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
