A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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