found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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