Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
