Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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