I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Randomize