The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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