Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
