It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
