just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
