If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
