If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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