Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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