just come out here and I will go home with you...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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