is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
