I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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