we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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