I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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