Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
