Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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