my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
