I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
