I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
