Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
