I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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