My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
