my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
