Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
