she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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