At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
