I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
should my penis look like a turkey
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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