I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
