Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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