Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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