btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize