she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
