Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
