she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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