On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I faked an abortion last night.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize