Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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