I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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