made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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