I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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