How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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