Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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