you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
