People with herpes should wear stickers.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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