The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
