We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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