xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
