i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
