she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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