Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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