I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize