I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He passed out mid-signature
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
