she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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